Just found this advice on time management. How would you improve it?

“If you’re easily distracted and nothing seems to be working to stop that, try removing the distractions totally. If you keep playing video games, go somewhere without internet access or a TV. If you keep getting distracted by the kids, work while they’re at school or when someone else is there to take care of them. The whole point is that not having distractions is much easier than ignoring them.”

Sigh. Good ideas. Poor writing.

Pivotal Writing Tips:
Each of these sentences has extra words that weigh down the reader’s experience. Trimming excess words will keep your reader focused and engaged.

Let’s look at each sentence individually. Which words can go without altering the sentence’s message?

Before: “If you’re easily distracted and nothing seems to be working to stop that, try removing the distractions totally.”
After: If you can’t seem to ignore your distractions, remove them completely.

Before: “If you keep playing video games, go somewhere without internet access or a TV.”
After: Addicted to video games? Avoid the internet and the TV.

Before: “If you keep getting distracted by the kids, work while they’re at school or when someone else is there to take care of them.
After: Can’t work with the kids around? Wait ’til they’re at school or under someone else’s care.

Before: “The whole point is that not having distractions is much easier than ignoring them.”
After: My main point: eliminating distractions is easier than ignoring them.

The phrase “not having distractions” makes that last sentence especially cumbersome. Instead of ‘not having’, let’s smooth out the sentence by using a single verb.

Now, let’s put it all back together…
“If you can’t seem to ignore your distractions, remove them completely. Addicted to video games? Avoid the internet and the TV. Can’t work with the kids around? Wait ’til they’re at school or under someone else’s care. My main point: eliminating distractions is easier than ignoring them.”

Mmm… Good advice…
Well, it’s time for me to get back to my Tetris-Thursday marathon!

Usually, I direct your attention to a snippet of weak writing. It’s useful to see mistakes in context.
However, today I thought you’d enjoy a brief look at a piece of strong writing. Hopefully this introductory paragraph will give you some ideas…

“Sustainability is a loaded term. I’m confused, bemused and amused by vernacular at times. I hope you’ll allow me to discover what I mean by sustainability as I write this article. Webster defines “sustain” as to maintain, prolong, endure, withstand, or “to suffer”. Okay, the “suffering” aside, I’m all over prolonging anything I perceive as positive and ending anything I perceive as negative.”

Lets break this down part by part:

“Sustainability is a loaded term.”
Are we reaching the saturation point with the ‘S’ word? I fear its increasing popularity (overuse?) may be diluting its imperative. In short order, this inaugural sentence connects with our growing exhaustion and promises a fresh perspective. Starting with a provocative, contentious idea is a great way to attract attention and compel the reader to continue.

“I’m confused, bemused and amused by vernacular at times. I hope you’ll allow me to discover what I mean by sustainability as I write this article.”
That nice use of rhyme sets a lighter tone for the piece and complements the first person “I”. Together, these choices say “no stuffy discourse here. I’m talking to you as if we were sitting at a table.” ‘I hope you’ll allow me’ even acknowledges the reader’s power over participating (‘to read or not to read’) and seeks to establish some sense of equality.

“Webster defines “sustain” as to maintain, prolong, endure, withstand, or “to suffer”. Okay, the “suffering” aside, I’m all over prolonging anything I perceive as positive and ending anything I perceive as negative.”
‘Okay’ and ‘I’m all over’ affirm that this will be a light, conversational read. The writer promises to keep the topic interesting and the pace moving along.

…I perceive as…
This is a little distracting and repetitive. Would something like “I’m all over prolonging the positive and ending the negative.” do the job just as well?

As a whole, these elements ease the natural flow of the piece, bringing the author’s voice out from behind the words. The style invites the reader to stick around and see what’s coming next. If only we saw more writing in this format.

“Don’t use no double negatives.”

Yeah, that’s right.  What better way to remember  good writing advice, than to see the mistake in action?

A few more for you…

1. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
2. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
3. Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!!
4. Check to see if you any words out.
5. About repetition, the repetition of a word might be real effective repetition – take, for instance the repetition of Abraham Lincoln.
6. It behooves us all to avoid archaic expressions.
7. In my opinion, I think that an author when he is writing should definitely not get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words that he does not really need in order to put his message across.
8. To ignorantly split an infinitive is a practice to religiously avoid.
9. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.

I wish I could take credit for these beauties, but the longer, original lists have been published over at this site.

Some are self-evident.  Others make you think.  All of them will improve your writing.

Go take a look, and enjoy.

How long can you listen to someone talk about himself before you get bored?

Sure, you’ll be polite and continue listening, but at some point you’ll start to think “Gosh, this person is taking up a lot of air time!” (Excepting, of course, the occasion when that’s the point; an autobiography, reading from a memoir, or explaining some personal triumph.)

The same is true when a company writes about itself, except that the potential consequences are more severe. Online readers’ primary question is almost always ‘What’s in it for me?’

How well do these two sentences present their answer?

“Acme Company is a research and consulting firm that helps companies measure, manage and market their social and environmental performance. Our research can help you identify the relevant channels and relationships you need to start or grow your market.”

Oi.
Aside from being ‘acme-centric’ this copy is dull and dreary.

First, let’s invigorate the message with some color.
Second, let’s re-arrange the promise to answer the reader’s basic question as quickly as possible. Once we’ve hooked ‘em, we can go into why we can satisfy our promise.

“Do your clients know how socially and environmentally responsible your company is?
To tell them you’ve got to measure, manage and market your performance.
Spur growth through the right channels and relationships with research-based consultation.
Get started now with Acme Company.”

Notice we’re using plain language. The technical credentials can wait until after site visitors are interested.
Also, there’s no mention of Acme until the very end. We want to focus the reader’s attention on his top priority; his company.
Last, the final sentence provides a direct call to action; very important on website copy.

Short, sweet, and reader-centered.
What do *you* think?

Share in the comment space below. Please.

Grabbing attention is tricky, especially for a 10-item tip sheet written for an upcoming green sale. One reader in Portland asked for some advice on writing quick, concise tips. Take a quick look at what she had, then we’ll discuss some ideas to tighten it up.

“Reduce Super Market Packaging—It’s Super Easy!
Buy bulk to reduce packaging waste and to ensure that you only buy what you need. Fill up your own reusable containers at the store to eliminate the need for plastic bags. You can even bring your own measuring cup or scoop so you don’t have to eyeball the quantity. Buy less, spend less, waste less.

Storables Solution: Snapware Bulk Food Totes with handles.”

Nice.
It’s concise, it reinforces the message of the sale, and it offers a useful tip.

A few basic observations:

• Avoid repeating ‘buy’ and ‘need’ in the first and second sentences (respectively) by using synonyms or rearranging the words.
• Let’s assume that grocery stores prefer customers use the individual scoops they provide for each item.

Now, Portland has many eco-minded inhabitants, but we can’t assume that everyone is on the bandwagon of reducing waste. Let’s broaden the appeal of the message by speaking first to the immediate benefits of buying bulk:

1. It saves money. Packaged goods include the cost of designing, printing and assembly.
2. It makes for a tidier, less cluttered kitchen. How? No more identical, half-full jars of spices, two or three opened packages of pasta, or other duplicate ingredients. It inherently forces organization on the kitchen.

Here’s what comes to mind first:

Reduce Super Market Packaging for Super Savings!*
Buying in bulk saves you money, tidies your kitchen and eliminates packaging waste. Bring your own reusable containers to the store and say ‘good-bye’ to accidentally buying what you already have at home. This small choice has a big impact as you’ll also reduce your need for plastic bags. Grab a Snapware Bulk Food Tote with handles to buy less, spend less, and waste less.

*What can I say? I’m a sucker for playful language. In all seriousness, a jovial even jocular tone with a little tongue-in-cheek lends itself to the friendly, inviting tone needed to attract customers to the sale. We are more receptive to ideas when we’re relaxed, so the light tone may even make the conservation message more palatable to skeptics.

Writer’s block: the mental demon of doubt and anxiety.
It paralyzes our writing process and clouds our mind.

In a moment, I’ll share a very simple technique to overcome writer’s block. But first, let me ask you: what ratio of time and effort do you give for planning, writing and editing?

I ask, because I used to believe I divided my attention evenly: 33% for each.

Recently, I realized that I spent twice as much energy on editing as I did on writing. What’s more, I find that every minute spent planning saves two or three while writing. Now, my writing process breaks down like this: 30% planning, 10% writing, and 60% editing.

Planning allows ideas to coalesce without any premature editing. (If you’re like me, without an outline your first sentence may be stifled by the internal editor ‘tut-tutting’ an imperfect attempt.) Knowing that I’ll spend more time editing relieves me of the burden to produce perfect writing on the first draft.

Can you guess what that simple technique is?
I call it ‘mind vomiting.’ An ugly term for a delightful process.

When I begin, I let myself write about anything; friends, weekend, frustrations, hopes, indigestion, etc. It may take up to a full page of single space text, but eventually all distractions drain from my head onto the screen. With a solid, logical outline close at hand, I then rein my mental meanderings to the topic, not worrying about cohesion, sounding smart, or fully explaining ideas. Because I give myself permission to ‘let loose’, the real amount of time for ‘writing’ is comparatively brief.

Once I’ve got that embarrassment of a first draft out, I begin the longer process of reshaping and polishing until I have the finished product. The internal editor quickly discards all the drivel, and then I give the remaining ideas the polish and refinement they deserve.

Next time you have writer’s block, try mind vomiting.
If nothing else, the warm up will serve you more than worrying about how to start.

Do you use another trick for demolishing writer’s block? Please share in comments.

Your time is valuable. When you’re reading, you want the author to be concise and precise.
Your readers will appreciate it if you extend them the same courtesy in your writing.

Let’s take a look at how this writing sample could be more concise, precise and ‘courteous’:

“The number one recommendation being made throughout the state of California by job and career transition counselors is to set up “informational interviews.” This is great advise because people create job opportunities, make introductions, motivate each other, share ideas, and support one another in a way job boards/postings alone cannot.”

1. ‘…being made throughout the state of’ is excessive. It doesn’t add anything to the sentence’s meaning.
2. The second sentence runs on with too many examples. A list of three usually ‘sounds’ better to our inner ear.
3. ‘alone’ commits the same crime of taking up space without adding meaning. Already, we know the comparison is between ‘informational interviews’ and ‘job boards/postings’.

These slimmer sentences value the reader’s time without sacrificing meaning.

“The top recommendation of California job and career transition counselors is to set up “informational interviews.” This is great advise: people create job opportunities, make introductions, and motivate one another in a way job boards/postings cannot.”

As you write, try to pick out any excess words. It will get easier with time.

— Questions or concerns about your writing?  Send them my way for some free, anonymous analysis! —

This colorful sentence illustrates a very common and correctable problem in writing.

Imagine asking a surgeon about the process they follow during an operation, and hearing them reply, “I don’t know, I just start cutting and hope it all works out.”

Let’s strip away everything but the ‘people’ words: ‘a surgeon’, ‘they’, ‘them’, and ‘I’. With this view, it’s hard to know whether the sentence refers to a single surgeon, or a group. (Either way, let’s hope you have some good insurance…)

‘They’ and ‘them’ -the plural pronouns- have been used instead of their singular counterparts: ‘he’ and ‘him’.

‘a surgeon’ establishes the ‘number’ which the rest of the sentence must obey. Thus, Imagine asking a surgeon about the process he follows during an operation, and hearing him reply, “I don’t know, I just start cutting and hope it all works out.”

Since we don’t know the surgeon’s gender, we could just as easily write ‘she’ and ‘her’ instead. Or, even ‘she or he’ and ‘her or him’. What’s important is that the number be consistent.

This is a fairly simple error; one that we all commit from time to time. At first, it may take an extra moment to remind yourself when writing and editing, but eventually it will become second nature. Soon, your effort will produce first-class writing.

— Questions or concerns about your writing?  Email me for some free writing advice! —

Even the newspapers have their awkward word choice from time to time.

Read the very end of this article about a retired gentleman who studied for, and participated in, a history class just for the pleasure of learning.

“As for his future, “Jack” has no plans to go full time and, say, join a fraternity. But, come January, he will be back in the classroom. To study the Great Depression. And to inspire those who meet him in the process.”

You may immediately criticize the use of ‘but’ and ‘and’ to begin sentences. Traditionalists may stick to the rules, even though this use is commonly accepted in everyday speech.
Let’s leave that debate in the style wars for another post.

What does the final phrase ‘in the process’ mean to you?

One option is that Jack’s return to the classroom in itself is inspirational.
Alternately, Jack’s dedication to studying could be what’s inspiring.

Moving “in the process” and rewriting the sentence solves the ambiguity and addresses the (potentially) problematic use of ‘but’ and ‘and’.

To preserve the article’s conversational style, I’ll keep the sentences short.
“In January, he will return to the classroom. To study the Great Depression. And, in the process, inspire others who meet him.”

For more formal writing, I would combine the sentences:
“In January, he will return to the classroom to study the Great Depression and, in the process, inspire others who meet him.”

Depending on your goals, a conversational style and bending the rules of grammar, may be appropriate. Just make sure that your message is clear, otherwise your reader may become mired in ambiguity and get frustrated.

Ever hear the saying “Don’t should on yourself”?

Within that cute pun lies a kernel of truth, best paraphrased by Jedi Master Yoda: “Do or do not. There is no try.” There’s nothing to be gained from telling oneself “I should do X, Y and Z today.” when instead thinking “Today I’ll do X, Y and Z.” sets an affirmative, productive tone.

What does this have to do with a blog on writing advice? Check out this sample below:

“If you’ve never written an e-newsletter, what you should do first is take a deep breath and relax. Then, you should decide how long you want your newsletter to be…”

Eliminating the use of ‘should’ not only tightens the copy, but also subtly refines the message:

“If you’ve never written an e-newsletter, take a deep breath and relax. Then, decide how long you want your newsletter to be…”

First, the phrase ‘what you should do first’ is filler. The same idea can be expressed as a shorter, simpler declaration, leaving the reader to decide for her/himself.

Second, no one likes to be told what s/he ‘should’ do. Removing ‘should’ changes the tone from finger-wagging command to offering a suggestion.

Experiment with the difference.
Then let me know what you think.
Please…

—————-ANY REQUESTS?——————–
Want to get more out of this blog? How about some free advice?

Send me your writing samples or style questions, and I’ll use them for future blog posts. Naturally, I will guard your privacy.
Also, I invite your feedback and suggestions for this blog. It’s meant for your benefit, so please let me know what you need. Many thanks.
mike@pivotalwriting.com