How do you distinguish yourself when you’re selling an intangible product? By stressing your personality and asserting you’ll take care of prospective customers and their needs.

In this before/after comparison, notice how the personality changes with my word choice.

(before) Lorie Clements, loan officer at Rose City Mortgage, a woman-owned local mortgage company. Lorie helps her clients obtain financing to buy or refinance homes and investment properties. (1) She has chosen to work for a company that not only shares her values, but even challenges her to deepen her own sustainability practices. They believe that businesses can enhance communities, not just turn a profit. (2) 503-329-7872, lorie@rosecitymtg.com

(after) Lorie Clements, a loan officer at Rose City Mortgage, tailors your financing to your unique lifestyle and goals. (3) With Lorie, you can expect an authentic experience defined by honesty, integrity and fun. (4) Whether you’re refinancing a mortgage or buying property for the first time, you deserve a smooth, respectful and personable transaction. At its core, Lorie’s professional service is founded on the bedrock aim of your long-term financial security and wealth accrual. (5) Contact Lorie to take advantage of today’s financial opportunities. (6) 503-329-7872, lorie@rosecitymtg.com

1. Rather than directly addressing the reader, ‘helps her clients’ impersonally refers to people in general. This cool tone won’t connect with individual prospects, nor spark a business relationship.




2. What’s the benefit to the reader in these sentences? Prospects will finish this profile and remember Lorie’s convictions, not how she can help them. If they were explicitly used to identify Lorie’s target market, these sentences might better serve the profile.




3. Use ‘you’ whenever appropriate; it speaks personally to the reader.




4. The internet has made us all expect specifics. Lorie can further differentiate herself from other mortgage brokers with a specific promise of personal service.




5. Speaking to a major concern of clients -in this case, the mortgage transaction process- implies that Lorie understands her clients, and that she knows how to take care of them.




6. A fundamental of sales: always, always end with a clear call to action. Connect the transition from the promise to the contact information clearly and succinctly.

Want to sharpen your professional profile? Send it my way for a free review!

Specifics. We all love specifics.

The internet has spoiled us with easy access to detailed information. We expect promises, forecasts and offers to be as specific as possible. Vagueness and ambiguity set off alarm bells and send up red flags.

Take a look at the following profile, which indulged in ambiguity (before) and has been strengthened with more specific language (after my help).

(before) James Ray Arnold, General Contractor and Green Builder. James is committed to creating the best green buildings possible using innovative strategies and technologies.(1) He and his crew work with clients to create resource-efficient, healthy, and beautiful spaces in remodels and new construction. They offer consultation and are happy to work with clients throughout the process of designing and building.(2) James has 15 years experience in the construction industry, and he specializes in new and restored structural and decorative architectural concrete for interiors and exteriors.(3) 541-206-2515, skypractice@gmail.com

(after) James Ray Arnold, General Contractor and Green Builder, champions the idea that you can live and work in a resource-efficient, healthy, and beautiful space. (4) Now you can avoid conventional construction practices that hemorrhage energy, tax your wallet, and strain our planet.(5) From design through construction, James will leverage innovative strategies and green techniques to create the most efficient building possible.(6) Whether you’re remodeling your commercial space or building your dream home, put James’s 15 years experience to work for you.(7) 541-206-2515, skypractice@gmail.com

1. This sentence emphasizes James’s commitment, rather than the benefits of his services. Eventually, prospective customers will want a committed contractor, but at this early stage of ‘meeting’ James, they may be more interested in what they’ll gain from his ‘innovative strategies and technologies.’ Furthermore, ‘green buildings’ may establish a promise in the reader’s head that James will be unable to meet.




2. What does ‘offering consultation’ specifically do for clients? ‘Happy to work with clients throughout the process of design and building.’ is on the right track, but we can be more specific with this promise.




3. Naming a specialization helps readers self-qualify; they know whether they would be a good prospect for James.




4. Nice and specific. Readers get a promise right up front.




5. ‘Hemorrhage’, ‘tax’ and ‘strain’ collectively create imagery of waste, contrasting and accentuating the impact of James’s promise for efficient construction.




6. Yep, we kept ‘innovative strategies and technologies’ because now they’re clearly related to a tangible benefit: ‘creating the most efficient building possible’.




7. As always, end with a strong, clear call to action. This encourages more people to use the contact information below.




Does your professional profile make a specific promise, or set up an expectation in your target reader’s mind? If so, what is it, and how do you do it? Please share in the comments.

]]> http://pivotalwriting.com/how-to-write-a-professional-profile-3/feed/ 0 http://pivotalwriting.com/746/ http://pivotalwriting.com/746/#comments Tue, 26 Jan 2010 16:00:20 +0000 Mike http://pivotalwriting.com/?p=746

Learning how to write a professional profile doesn’t have to be difficult. The writing tips in this post will give you more ideas to build on last week’s advice.

Each profession has its own challenges in writing a profile that engages its target audience. Below, it’s selling the intangible nature of the home-buying experience.

Nevertheless, all professional profiles must answer the basic question; “What sets you apart from your colleagues and competition?” Readers want to ‘meet’ some of the person cloaked in the professional exterior.

Expressing pithy, relevant beliefs can do the job.
Take a look at this short professional profile, “before” and “after” I worked on it.

(before) Dan Taylor, realtor/eco-design consultant with Realtors with Roots. (1) In addition to offering sound real estate services, Dan brings a broad awareness (2) of sustainable design and living to his practice. He thrives on making connections that help clients live in alignment with their values (3), while supporting our local community and economy. (4) Realtors with Roots is a Blue Works Certified business, and Dan is an Earth Advantage S.T.A.R. (5) certified Realtor. (6)

(after) Dan Taylor at Realtors with Roots believes sustainable living starts in the home, and healthy, eco-friendly living spaces foster neighborhood character and community. (7) Beyond grounded real estate services, Dan will also help you live more comfortably by refining your home’s performance. (8) Contact Dan today to learn how your next realty decision can enhance the place you call home. (9)

1. A bland description squanders the opportunity to grab attention in the first sentence.




2. What does ‘broad awareness’ really mean? Generalities are tempting in such a short piece; there is little space, and much to say. Nevertheless, specific, confident statements have a greater, lasting impact. See 7 and 8 below.




3. See above. This sentence says a lot without meaning much.




4. Supporting local economies is important, but the vagueness of this phrase robs it of meaning. Readers want to know how Dan’s work supports the local community.




5. These certifications may be relevant to other realtors, but the general public may have no idea what they mean. This ambiguity may weaken the profile’s goal of identifying Dan as a professional.




6. ‘Realtor’ is neither a name, nor a title: it cannot be capitalized.




7. Starting with a declaration of belief establishes Dan’s position. Readers know where he stands and what they can expect from him. This fosters the feeling that readers know a little about the person behind the profile.




8. Offering a specific promise limits the profile’s message, but it also makes Dan more memorable. Better to be remembered for one specific quality or belief than forgotten in a cloud of generalities.




9. Ending with a specific call to action -and an implicit promise- may help Dan get on the short list of a potential customer.




With so much potential for vague writing on the internet, it’s very important to convey confidence. Definitive statements plant a promise in the reader’s mind and enhance the chance that you’ll get to deliver on your claim.

Does your professional profile make a specific promise, or set up an expectation in your target reader’s mind? If so, what is it, and how do you do it? Please share in the comments.

]]> http://pivotalwriting.com/746/feed/ 0 http://pivotalwriting.com/how-to-write-a-professional-profile-1/ http://pivotalwriting.com/how-to-write-a-professional-profile-1/#comments Tue, 12 Jan 2010 02:39:49 +0000 Mike http://pivotalwriting.com/how-to-write-a-professional-profile-1/

For the professional world, social media has become a great way to communicate personality and establish credibility. Nevertheless, there will be times when we can’t update our online presence or may want a general ‘about me’ piece for newcomers. An up-to-date, concise and professional profile remains an integral part of your online presence.

It’s never easy to write about oneself. To write a professional profile, one must ask: How much information do I include? To what level of detail? How can I make it engaging, informative and personable?

This is the first in a series of posts dedicated to helping you write a professional profile. As with ‘Pivotal Writing Tips’, I’ll couch these thoughts within a short “before/after” analysis of some brief examples.

Don’t worry, I’ll be alternating between profiles and general writing tips in the future.

My goal is for you to produce a professional profile you can be proud of.
Let me know how I can help.

Compare this profile “before” and “after” I worked on it. Each number following a segment of writing refers to comments below.

(before) Brian C. Setzler, MBA, CPA, is the founder of TriLibrium, Oregon’s first and only triple-bottom line public accounting firm. Brian has been a CPA in Oregon for nearly 20 years and holds an MBA in Sustainable Business. (1) TriLibrium provides the tax, accounting and business advisory services you would expect from a traditional CPA firm while adding the knowledge and expertise to implement leading edge sustainable business practices, techniques, metrics, and strategies. (2) Learn more about Brian at The Green CPA. (3) 503-367-5631. brian@trilibrium.com

(after) Brian Setzler balances (4) more than just ‘the books’(5) at TriLibrium, Oregon’s first triple-bottom line public accounting firm. As a green CPA, Brian leverages 20 years of experience and an MBA in Sustainable Business to work for you and your company. Brian offers tested and trusted expertise to cultivate sustainable business practices for your planet, people and profit.(6) Find ideas on greening your business now (7) at Brian’s blog, The Green CPA. 503-367-5631. brian@trilibrium.com

1. The first sentence must act like a headline to draw the reader in. Giving your name, position and company is valid, but it offers little incentive for the reader to continue.




2. This attempt to differentiate Brian from his competitors is buried near the end of the profile. Like the headline, the benefit must me made clear to the reader early on.




3. ‘Learn more about Brian…’ is a nice way to offer personality, but the immediate benefit is not obvious. (Don’t get me wrong, Brian is a model citizen.) Brian’s profile must make a compelling offer to intrigue the reader into learning more.




4. Notice the absence of the verb ‘to be’. Instead, Brian ‘balances’, ‘leverages’, and ‘offers’; every word actively strengthens the idea that Brian is proficient and professional.




5. “…balances more than just ‘the books’” establishes accounting imagery while hinting at the added value of a triple-bottom-line business.




6. Emphasize Brian’s credibility as an expert and his Unique Selling Proposition while implicitly reinforcing the benefit of a triple-bottom-line business.




7. Whereas ‘learning more about Brian’ may not pique interest, ‘finding ideas on greening your business now’ entices the reader with an immediately useful offer. It’s also a subtle call to action to get readers to take another step towards contacting Brian.




Do these tips spark any ideas of your own? What techniques have you used when writing your professional profile?

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