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How do you distinguish yourself when you’re selling an intangible product? By stressing your personality and asserting you’ll take care of prospective customers and their needs.
How best to convey that personality and assertion? This before/after comparison will give you some ideas. Notice how word choice informs the way the personality is expressed.
(before) Lorie Clements, loan officer at Rose City Mortgage, a woman-owned local mortgage company. Lorie helps her clients obtain financing to buy or refinance homes and investment properties. (1) She has chosen to work for a company that not only shares her values, but even challenges her to deepen her own sustainability practices. They believe that businesses can enhance communities, not just turn a profit. (2) 503-___-____, lorie@rosecitymtg.com
(after) Lorie Clements, a loan officer at Rose City Mortgage, tailors your financing to your unique lifestyle and goals. (3) With Lorie, you can expect an authentic experience defined by honesty, integrity and fun. (4) Whether you’re refinancing a mortgage or buying property for the first time, you deserve a smooth, respectful and personable transaction. At its core, Lorie’s professional service is founded on the bedrock aim of your long-term financial security and wealth accrual. (5) Contact Lorie to take advantage of today’s financial opportunities. (6) 503-___-____, lorie@rosecitymtg.com
- Rather than directly addressing the reader, ‘helps her clients’ impersonally refers to people in general. This cool tone won’t connect with individual prospects, nor spark a business relationship.
- What’s the benefit to the reader in these sentences? Prospects will finish this bio and remember Lorie’s convictions, not how she can help them. If they were explicitly used to identify Lorie’s target market, these sentences might better serve the bio.
- Use ‘you’ whenever appropriate; it speaks personally to the reader.
- The internet has made us all expect specifics. Lorie can further differentiate herself from other mortgage brokers with a specific promise of personal service.
- Speaking to a major concern of clients -in this case, the mortgage transaction process- implies that Lorie understands her clients, and that she knows how to take care of them.
- A fundamental of sales: always, always end with a clear call to action. Connect the transition from the promise to the contact information clearly and succinctly.
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